its just about me

Friday, February 6 -

Mariam asks me to read her poem and gif comments if i were to receive this from a girl...

It's true what they all say,
Don't judge a book by its cover
I took you for a selfish arrogant playboy
But now, i'm not so sure anymore
But then again, i'll never really know

From a stranger to an acquaintance to a friend
You added light into my life that's long been dark
You gave me comfort, joy and happiness
Though i had much of all that already
But then again, was i really content?

Maybe because you acted like you cared
Maybe because i wanted you to care
Maybe because i needed someone
Maybe because you happened to come by
But then again, things happen...for a reason

I treaded around very lightly
knowing i was on dangerous grounds
You were the player that i heard of and despised
And i didnt want to be a fool and a victim
But then again, haven't i become one already?

You told me you're no longer like that
You told me you're changing
I wanted to believe you but it was hard
Somehow, now, i can bring myself to
But then again, can i ever completely believe you?

I want so much to believe you, to trust you
I wanted so much to not judge you
But people kept telling me about how you were
But people kept forbidding me to know you
But then again, it's my life, isn't it?

You were such a sweet and nice person
Though i still think it was all sweet talk
You didnt sound like how they portrayed you to be
You were the best thing that happened to me then
But then again, I never wanted it that way

I chose to avoid you
I chose to ignore you
I managed to stop thinking about you
I managed to get a control on my feelings
But then again, i failed... badly

You asked me why i've been quiet
You wonder whether i still wanna be your friend
You wonder but you never knew the truth
All i told you were excuses and lies
But then again, did you even care?

I missed your late night calls
I missed your sweet messages
I couldn't avoid you no longer
I couldn't run no longer
But then again, ain't i running now?

You're still aren't over her
You're still holding on and hoping
But are you even trying to let go?
Are you even trying to move on?
But then again, do you even want to try?

You hope she still loves you like you do
You hope she'll come back one day
But ask yourself this honestly, will she?
Ask yourself, is she really worth all the pain you feel?
But then again, would you even listen to me?

Who am I compared to her that you love?
Who are you compared to him that i loved?
It's hard, but he was never gonna come back
It's gonna be hard on you too but you have to face it
But then again, do you have the courage to?

I believe you do
I believe you will
If you know how much i care and want you to be free
If you know how much your happiness matters to me
But then again, why should i even bother?

Because you've broken the walls around my heart
Because i've fallen for you but i'll never tell
Because your heart still belongs to her
And i'm not that selfish to steal it
This time, with no "But then again"

before mariam got another fren of mine.. she gave me this to read n give comments oso.. wat am i?? y me ppl ask to read all dis.. isit becoz of the poems i wrote for nurul dat makes ppl thinks i'm into creative writing.. i oso dunno.. btw.. dis is the essay..

Danger = Crisis + Opportunity

Human nature is a many-flawed thing.

We claim to be loving and friendly to everyone, but it doesn’t work that way.

In truth, everyone is naturally attracted to those with strong and confident personalities, the born leaders, the cool cliques.

It is much easier to follow than to lead for those who are weak, for the strong have backbones that we can lean on.

But… we sometimes don’t pay attention to those who are neither leader nor follower.

When we don’t make an effort to befriend those who are always alone just because they don’t ‘fit in’, what does that say about us and what we think of our ‘inferiors’?

~~~~~

Loner

I gripped the blade between my thumb and my forefinger. It glinted maliciously in the harsh white light of the pristine white bathroom. It seemed to give off an aura of sinister- and, strangely enough, addictive- power, this innocuous, small piece of razor-sharp metal. It seems to say,

“Ha, I may be small, but I have the power to end your life.

Are you nervous?

It would be so easy. Just push the sharp edge into your wrist and slash…

Down…

Deep…”

Startled by that out-of-place thought, I shook my head to clear my thoughts. They unnerved me, considering that I was going to do just what I had imagined the razor blade might have said – slash my wrists.

Go on then. Get it over with.

Or are you having second thoughts?

I pondered what I was about to do. Now that it was finally time for me to actually go through with this, I began doubting the effect it would have on those around me… that is, if they would be affected at all. What if they shunned me instead?

But… isn’t this what you wanted?
Someone who actually gave a damn about you?
Going through with this will ensure that, you know.

I bit my lip. It was true. If I were to go through with this, people would realise that all along I was feeling inferior and lonely. They would be sympathetic towards me, and try to be my friend. I would finally be noticed. I wouldn’t be the mousey, plain Jane that nobody notices, and who fades into the background.

Yeah, all that too.
Now, are you ever going to do it, you coward?

I bristled. The voice really annoyed me. I said I would do it, didn’t I? I just needed some time to rethink it, that’s all. I swallowed. Some weird sensation was bumping around in my stomach. The lights of the bathroom seemed, suddenly, searing bright. I slowly realised that the sensation was… fear.

Do it.

What? Now??

Yes. I’m getting impatient.

But… are you sure of this?

Yes.

Um…

I paused. The plan was slowly losing its appeal. Many things could go wrong. What if I cut too deep and I really do serious damage to myself? Or if someone caught me while I did it? But… it was just a way to get friends and attention, that’s all. It wasn’t as if I was actually doing anything that bad. I tried to take comfort in this, but the plan was still slowly losing its appeal. I felt unease and panic join the fear, and soon a roiling, great mess of confusing emotions were banging off the walls of my stomach. Something was wrong with the entire thing.

Wait.

For what?

There’s something wrong with this.

Like what?
Oh, come on, don’t tell me you’re still scared?

I…

Doubt took seed in my mind. All my life, I’ve never done anything out of the ordinary. Never had the courage or talent to do so, come to think of it. This was new territory. What if I did something wrong? It’s not as if I had ever cut myself on purpose before. I have a low threshold for pain. It’s just this once that, in a state of loneliness, I actually decided to do it.

… I don’t think I can do this.

Ugh… don’t wimp out on me now!

I… I just can’t! This doesn’t feel right!

Don’t you want to be noticed?
To have friends?
Be normal and happy like everyone else?
Why are you having doubts now?

…I don’t know.

Just do it quickly.
Go on.
It wouldn’t take long.

I hesitated, my hand trembling slightly. The voice was right... wasn’t it? I made as if to swing the blade down, but stopped at the last moment. I’m not sure why.

DO IT NOW!!!!!

Before I knew what was happening, I had made a great, sweeping, downward arc with my left hand which was still gripping the blade, and had slashed my right wrist. At first, nothing happened. Then, like an invisible hand and brush painting on my wrist, a fragile red line suddenly formed, rapidly thickening and lengthening. The vivid, shiny red was so bright and, oddly enough, beautiful, that I was transfixed. I watched, entranced, as the red line of my blood slowly dripped off my wrist. It barely hurt at all. And it was so… pretty.

There. That wasn’t so bad, now was it?

The triumphant satisfaction I heard in that voice made me shudder.

~~~~~

“Julie?”

No response.

“Julie? What’s wrong?”

She stared at the floor, her hands curling and uncurling in her lap. I chewed on my lip worriedly. I never thought I’d see the day when Julie Jones, of all people, would need my help. As a student counsellor, I tend to look at my friends like they were my ‘patients’. Some were extremely, almost painfully, insecure. Others were really depressed but just covered it up with false bravado. But with Julie, it was different. She was just… plain. And boring too, come to think of it. She never participated in any school events or anything. She looked every bit as plain as her name – from her stringy brown mousey hair, always tied up, to her plain sweaters and pants. She was the type who would always look like they were part of the scenery; she’d probably stood out as much as a chair or a decorative fern did. But, I didn’t know her well enough to pass judgment. No one did.

“Julie. Please. Say something. I’m not trying to pry, but… I’m worried. I know I never spoke to you before, and I’m sorry about that. I just never noticed that you were there, I guess. But if something in your life went so wrong that you had to resort to cutting yourself, I want to know about it. I’m trying to help you, Julie.”

I might as well have been speaking to a wall, for all the reaction I got.

“Look… I know people never talk to you or notice you, but now I’m trying to be your friend. I’ll be honoured if you’ll eat lunch with me today. Come on, Julie. Please just look at me. Are you still upset about what the others are saying about you? Don’t be. They’re all close-minded bigots. Julie, this is quite serious. Anything that would drive someone to the extent that they would inflict hurt on themselves has to be something awful. Julie. Please.”

I stopped babbling. Momentarily, I idly wondered if she was temporarily deaf or something. I sighed. The only way to deal with this would be for me to be blunt and crude.

“Julie, please tell me why you tried to kill yourself.”

Jackpot.

Her head whipped up and her eyes met mine. I saw a mixture of feelings in them – confusion, denial, frustration, and pure misery. Then they were overwhelmed with silvery tears. Her lip trembled.

“No, Caitlin... not kill myself… just so people would…”

She began to tremble. I reached out a hand to caress her shoulder.

“I was just so tired of being ignored… nobody cared, Caitlin… nobody…”

Her tears began to trail slowly down her white cheeks.

“I… I just… followed what the voice… the voice… what it said…”

Wait a minute. The voice?

“It said people will befriend me if… I cut myself…”

Worry began to crease my forehead. Something else was at work here. What voice was she talking about?

“I just… I just wanted to have friends… be normal, like you…”

With that, she broke down completely. I pulled her in and hugged her as her frail shoulders were racked with heart-wrenching sobs. And then, I began to comprehend.

I held her long after her sobs subsided to breathless whimpers.

~~~~~

“Caitlin? Honey? What’s on your mind?”

I was jolted out of my reverie when I heard my boyfriend’s voice. I turned to look at him. His warm eyes regarded me curiously. I sighed.

“Joey, do you remember Julie Jones?”

He scrunched up his face, trying to recall. Then he nodded.

“Vaguely. Why?”

I took a deep breath, and told him.

At the end of my long speech, he whistled softly.

“Whoa. Poor girl. Schizophrenia? And acute loneliness? Damn, she had it bad.”

I nodded.

“We never really noticed her, did we? Anyone of us? So she devised a plan. Put her very life in danger by slashing her wrists. Not to take her life, but to seek attention and friendship. Crisis and opportunity both arose from this. People would see that she was going through a difficult time, and then they would befriend her to try to help her. Danger equals crisis and opportunity, as she saw it. To her, I guess it sounded like a good plan. Too bad it didn’t work.”

yeah dat's the essay.. mayb u all wanna give comments on the poem n the essay n tell me wat u think.. ciao...

joop hangs on the sloper at 11:42 pm